Drifting Away in a Sea of Emotions
by Melara Yuhi
Summary: Trowa is having trouble dealing with all the emotions that his blond love has opened up to him. He has only two desires, take care of the boy he knows he can never have, and escape fom the pain of sadness, anger and hate forever.
1. Drifting Away in a Sea of Emotions

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, but this story is my own. I don't know if that counts for much, but it's all I know.

Warnings: Shounen ai (1+2, 3+ a straight pilot)

Dedication: Kat, you continue to save me without ever knowing how much you do. I dedicate this story, and my love to you.

Drifting in a Sea of Emotion….

I am very swiftly becoming to despise this 'sadness'. I don't see why such a horrid emotion is necessary. A feeling that tears your heart from your body, and makes those around you upset… it makes no sense.

I watch as he moves around the room, trying his hardest not to show his concern for me. He smiles, and sits in a chair at the small, round table in the middle of the room.

"So, what do you want to eat?"

"I-I… Um… I-I don't know…" I stutter because his question caught me off guard. Like I was staring off into space, which has become a habit for me.

"Well, you obviously need something if you're having trouble answering a simple question like that." Quatre laughed, and slid behind me, opening his pantry. "Let's see…. We have—" He continues to name various items, but I'm not paying attention. His smooth voice has caught my attention, and I find that I am lost in it. The way he pronounces his vowels, the rhythm of his words, and the melodic quality that he always has to his speech….. I had always known he had a natural talent for music. It seems that the trait is so strong in him, it finds its way into everything…. My eyes travel down his slender body, which seems to move to a silent rhythm… in time with his voice…

"…beautiful…" My quiet statement was not meant to be voiced, but no one heard, so it didn't matter. I reached a hand out and ran it through his soft blond hair, taking note of its slight dampness because of the shower he had just taken….

"Trowa?" Quatre turned around and gently took my hand from his head. "Were you listening to me?" I looked at him, trying to pull my thoughts together. "How long has it been since you've eaten?" Another question… another thought… I tried to pull myself together to answer. I didn't want to make him upset… he didn't deserve to be sad…. like me….

"Um…. L-last night…" Again, I stutter. My mouth just doesn't seem to want to agree with me today. Not that it has been. For months, I have had things to say, but can never say them around him. I want to tell him about this horrid sorrow that eats away at me from the inside, but I can't bring myself to share that pain with him… I can't taint him….

"Trowa! You need to take better care of yourself! Why do you continue to do this?" Quatre pulled me into a chair (as he hadn't let go of my hand yet), and went through the fridge to find something for me to eat. I sigh deeply, not quit able to forgive myself for worrying my little one once again. He seemed to know more about my sadness than I did… and it seemed to be affecting him just as badly, if not worse. I can't stand to see him upset…

"…g-gomen…" Quatre sat down across from me, and put a small sandwich in front of me.

"Eat it." I slowly lifted my gaze up to his crystal blue-grey eyes, which were narrowed into a very serious look that did not fit his soft face at all. "Eat it, or I'll go back to working on my project, and I won't go to sleep until it's finished." I looked up at him, my eyes widening slightly.

"No. You need your sleep. You can't keep overworking yourself like that. You have to—"

"You have to eat. The rules don't just apply to me. Now eat." Trowa sighed in defeat, and went to take a small bite of the sandwich. It tasted wonderful, just like everything else Quatre ever made… but I can't eat… the food just didn't settle well in my stomach.

"I'm not hungry…." I pushed the food aside, looking at Quatre with eyes that pleaded for forgiveness.

"Why not?!" Quatre leapt up, slamming his hands down on the table. "If I miss one meal, or one night of sleep, you won't leave me alone about it! Yet you haven't gotten a decent nights sleep in over a month, you constantly skip meals, and you've been so distant! Why do you do that to yourself? Why do you ask that I take care of myself, if you won't?!?" I stared at him, unable to answer. He stares right back, until he finally backs down, turning to put the plate in the sink.

"Because I love you…." My words were no more than a breath on the wind, but some how the boy heard. Quatre turned to me, revealing a lifetime of pain in his eyes, the pain that I had tried so hard to keep from him…

"I love you too Trowa. You know that…."

"But it's not the same….." I turn my eyes down, unable to look at him anymore. I hadn't meant to say anything. The last thing I wanted to do was bring up the fact that I was attracted to him, but the feelings were less than mutual…

"No. It's not. But it's no less." Quatre moved so that his face was in my line of sight, and slowly lifted my gaze from the floor. "I hate to see you in pain. It hurts me…." He placed my hand over his chest, and looked up. "Now please, eat something?" I looked away again, and closed my eyes.

"I'm not hungry. I don't want anything to eat." I felt a slight dampness, and a stinging in my eyes. I angrily forced back the tears, refusing to let them show.

Anger…. Another emotion that seemed to me my second half. The anger normaly came with, or shortly after the sadness. I am angry that it's my fault Quatre's upset. I'm angry at the damn sadness that I hate so much, that won't leave me alone. And I am angry at the hate that comes with that sadness. Too many emotions, too overwhelming. There are times that I wish I could find a way to become numb to them, even if only for a few minutes….

"Trowa…" Quatre shook his head, deciding not to finish his sentence. I look up at him and smile as best as I can, trying to hide the emotions that took over. I know it never fools him, but it makes it easier for him to fool me on how much it hurts him. It probably doesn't make any sense, but even though I know I'm always hurting him, it doesn't feel as bad when we can both wear our masks of happiness, and fool the world.

"Well, Duo and Heero should be here in a few hours. Why don't we make something for them to eat? I know Duo loves anything containing chocolate…"

"You only say that because you love my brownies." I laughed, my mask slipping fully into place. For now, at least, I could feel without guilt… but I knew it would never last…

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

"Hmm…. Trowa?" Quatre was sitting on the grass, leaning against a tree in the park we stopped at. Duo had insisted that we stop here so he could make Heero chase butterflies, simply because he had never done it before.

"Hai?" I sat down on the grass next to him, leaning against the old oak tree as well. Heh, I'm allergic to oak too….

"I'm tired…." Quatre leaned his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes. I then realized that I had come over in the first place because he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before.

"Do you want to go home?" I didn't get an answer. The blond wonder was fast asleep next to me. I laughed slightly, being careful not to shake him awake. He needed the precious little sleep he could get. I leaned against him, and we both fell asleep like that….

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

"Trowa?" I felt something stir under me, and opened my eyes. "Trowa, we need to go now…"

"Yeah, you guys have been out for an hour. What got you so beat?" Duo looked up at Heero, and put an arm around his waist, then gave him a hentai grin.

"Duo. Not now." Duo let his arm drop, as well as his smile. The whole expression was so comical, that I couldn't help but laugh.

"Come on Trowa." I sat up slightly in order to let Quatre up. A small smile crossed my face as I realized I had my arms wrapped around him. The boy stood up, brushed himself off, then offered a hand to help me. I stared at the hand for a few minutes, my mind working slower than it should have. "What? Aren't you coming?" I nodded and let him pull me to my feet.

"Uhn…" As soon as I was up, I stumbled backwards and hit my head into the tree. My vision blurred, then slowly came back into focus.

"Are you alright?"

"H-hai…" I put a hand up to the back of my head and smiled. "I can't speak for the tree though…" Duo stared at me, his eyes widening.

"My God! Was that a joke?!??!" He looked up at Heero, then back at me. "I don't believe it! Trowa made a joke! Notify the press!!! Quick!!! He might never do it again!!!" Heero elbowed him in the ribs, getting him to shut up, then looked at me.

"We should hurry. It looks like it's going to rain." I nodded, and took a few shakey steps forward. I felt like the ground was moving in circles under me, and had a hard time keeping my balance. Quatre put an arm around me to help me keep my balance, then whispered into my ear.

"You're going to eat something as soon as we get home, whether you like it or not." I nodded, knowing I had pushed my limits, and let him guide me to the car.

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Quatre is going away for a few weeks. This is the last day I get to see him until he gets back. I wish I could come with him, but I have work to do here. I would put it off for him, but he refuses to let me. He says the Preventers need me here to make sure nothing goes wrong…

I'm sitting across from him at the small round table in the kitchen, enjoying the delicious meal he made. Although he has enough servants so he would never have to do anything, he insists that he cooks for himself and his guests when he gets a chance, and he has managed to prevent them from cleaning his office.

"Trowa?"

"Hmm?" I look up at him, again absorbed by his beautiful eyes.

"Aren't you going to eat any more?"

"Oh." I forced myself to focus on the meal in front of me, and ate it. I didn't want my love to think something was wrong again….. but I knew he did…..

"Well, as long as you're still eating…" Quatre leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. I could see how much pressure he was under. I knew how much my pain was hurting him. I needed something to escape the pain… something that would make me numb, but wouldn't hurt Quatre.

Suicide was my first thought… actually, it was a reacuring thought, but it was out of the question. If I died, who knows how badly Quatre would be torn. Though he would never have a relationship with me like the one Duo and Heero had, he truly loved me. I couldn't bear to be the cause of any more of his pain. I would have to find another way.

There was unconsciousness… if I couldn't think, I couldn't be bombarded with these horrible feelings. And there was also physical pain. I had, on a number of occasions, lightly scratched the surface of my skin, unable to do anything worse without fear… but the scratches vented some of the sadness. I felt almost calm in those moments by myself… But the anger, sadness, and hate would return when Quatre saw what I had done. He would then lecture me about how stupid I was being, and how he couldn't understand why I would want to do things like that to myself….

I looked up at the medicine cabinent above the oven, wondering how many Advil I could take before it killed me, and how few would be too few to let me slip into a blank unconsciousness….

"Trowa? What are you doing?"

"I have a headache. I'm going to take something for it."

"Oh, alright." Quatre stood up, and turned his back on me, in order to put the dishes in the sink. I took the bottle down from the shelf, and shook out a few of the pills in my hand. Quatre was still facing the other way… if I took these now, he wouldn't have to know… and he wouldn't have to be in pain. My eyes traveled his body again, and I looked down into my hand. Only popping two into my mouth, I returned to the table. For some reason, I was never able to carry through with my plans. Every time, I would see his face, trying so hard to hide his own sadness… he was so much stronger than I was. I couldn't hurt him….

"When do you have to leave?"

"My plane gets here at 7 tomorrow morning. I should probably be at the airport a little earlier."

"Do you have everything you need packed?"

"I think so…" I nodded, and slung the small green bag I had brought with me over my shoulder.

"Then I'll leave now. You need to get some sleep. It's going to be a rough couple of days ahead…" Quatre seemed slightly disappointed that I was leaving, but didn't say anything. "I'll let myself out." I walked down the driveway to his small house. He liked it more than the others because it gave him an excuse for not taking people with him, so in the long run it felt much larger. I slipped onto my motorcycle and stared the short ride home.

Home…. What a strange word… my 'home' moved constantly, yet I always felt foreign without Quatre by my side. The boy never liked to be without me for longer than he had to. Most times, I could easily stand the wait without him as long as I knew he was happy. He would get to see his three favorite sisters on his trip, and that would make him happy enough, as long as he knew I would be waiting for him when he got back…..

And I will be waiting….

Thank you, Quatre. Thank you for saving me more times than I can count, and more times than you'll ever know. I'll always love you, nothing will change that. And I'll always do everything I can to protect you, my little angel. My little one….

This story does not end here, because I still live. As long as I do, there will be more to tell. As to whether it will be written down or not…. it's too early to tell…..


	2. A Rash Decision

Author's notes: Well, I've been through a pretty rough week, so it seems like a good time to update this. The one review I got seemed to ask for more, and Kat might appreciate me writing down what the hell I was thinking. You probably don't understand now, but you definitely will by the end of the chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, or any other anime at current. But I'm working on it…. *goes back to trying to figure out how to hack through a bunch of barriers*

Warnings: Most likely a lot of OOC, but that happens when you try to twist characters to match up with a different story. Also, a halfhearted suicide attempt. Another thing that will become clear by the end of the chapter.

Dedication: Still to Kat. I don't think I'll ever be able to say how sorry I am for what I did. I never wanted to hurt you, but I think you knew that already…

A rash decision

It's Monday. I hate Mondays. Especially the ones that force me to face all of the problems I pushed off to the side so I could enjoy my time with Quatre. It seems as if every Monday I wake up early, just so the weight of all the built up problems can fully sink in, laughing in my face…

'It's your own fault.' Angrily, I shove the pillow over my face, trying to shut out the unwanted thoughts. 'if you had just taken a few hours to—'

__

I don't take away from my time with Quatre. Ever.

'What about the 5 hours you spent waiting for Quatre to get back from his meeting? You could have at least started that paperwork—'

__

Shut up. I flipped over again, trying to ignore the thoughts that I knew were true.

'Une's going to give you hell today when she finds out that you've slacked off on yet another case.'

"Shut up!" I said it as loudly as I could, but it didn't come out to be more than a whisper. However, it seemed to work. My mind switched tracks.

'You know, you could get out of it…'

__

how the hell am I supposed to do that? I could feel that demon of a thought again, tugging at the edges of my mind…

'Suicide.'

"Not an option." Again, my thoughts slipped out of my mouth on their own accord. I was becoming used to it. It didn't bother me as long as I knew no one could hear.

Deciding that I wasn't getting any more sleep, I rolled out of bed with the grace of a half melted ice cream scoop, and landed on the floor with a slight thud. The force of my oh-so-elegant landing knocked a small object off of my shelf. I was greeted by a small paper crane that was kind enough to land on my face. (Can you tell that my sarcasm is prevalent in the mornings?)

I quietly placed the crane back on the shelf, hoping that my racket hadn't woken Catherine up. She had never quite reached the qualifications for a 'morning person'. (More of that damned sarcasm…)

Sitting down at my desk, I pulled out a square piece of scrap paper and began to fold it. I had started making cranes when I first heard about an old Japanese legend stating that if a person makes 1,000 paper cranes, they would be granted a wish from the gods. Although I've never understood the concept of 'God', I decided that I had a wish worth the effort. The whole time, my goal had been to get my sadness to go away, and make Quatre happy. My problem was, I had thought of a number of round-about solutions, none of which made much sense. Every plan I made seemed to work perfectly in my mind as I was forming it, but then someone would point out the major fact that I had overlooked, and I would feel stupid for ever coming up with such an outrageous idea.

I looked down at my hands and realized that I had just finished my second crane. I don't remember reaching for the other piece of paper…

"Two hundred and eighty one…" I'm out now. I need more squares. The easiest paper to fold is notebook paper, although it doesn't look nice. But I wasn't making cranes for show anyway, just as a temporary escape.

After digging through my pile of urgent papers (which had been pushed off to the side in a very unimportant looking pile), I finally found my scissors. With the only light on in the room being my small desk lamp, I could see a small fairy dancing on the wall, made from the reflection of the light from the silver metal.

I gently pressed the cool metal against my skin, wondering if it would stink if I dragged it across. I opened the scissors and pressed one of the exposed cutters against my upper arm. It already stung, and I hadn't even started moving it.

Surprised and unnerved by the bite of the blade, I placed the scissors back in their compartment and retreated to my bed, lying on top of the unmade covers.

'I'm a coward…'

__

Yes, you are. I laughed quietly.

'You weren't supposed to agree with me.'

__

Do I ever listen to you?

'Sometimes…' I closed my eyes and rolled over, grateful that the mental battle hadn't been too vicious. 

'You know, Catherine's driving today…'

__

So?

'Why don't you try the Advil today?' I was slightly confused by the reasoning of that thought, so I tried to push it aside. It wouldn't leave. '7 should be enough.'

__

That's crazy.

'So are you'

__

Go away. I groaned, then flipped over on the bed. The evil demon was already on a role though, and refused to let me be.

'It works out just fine. You can take them while Catherine gets dressed. If she catches you, you can just say that you have a headache.'

__

It could kill me!

'That's why you only take 7. Besides, you'll be around people all day. If something goes wrong, there will be people to get you help.' I flipped over again to stare at the ceiling. It was true, I would be around people all day, and 7 probably weren't enough to do much damage.

__

Why should I do it? I was beginning to lean towards the demon's wants. I was losing

'You've been planning for weeks, and nothing ever gets followed through. This is the perfect opportunity.' Any argument I would have made was cut off. Catherine stepped into my room, then laughed at me.

"If you want to sleep in, you have to tell me first so I can get in on it. Now get up. We're going to be late." After she left, closing the door to give me some privacy, I rolled out of bed for the second time that morning, letting myself go on auto-pilot. Mornings were always a blur to me, because I did the same thing every day without having to think…

~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

"I'm going upstairs to get changed. We'll leave when I get down." I nodded slightly to acknowledge that I had heard Catherine before she would leave. Then I stood up, and walked over to the medicine cabinet, pulling out my allergy medicine. After swallowing the tiny white pill, I remembered my plan from earlier.

'Now's your chance.' I reached up to grab the bottle, hesitating to open the cap.

__

But…

'My god. You're such a wimp. How about this, if you don't take the seven, you can take the two for your headache.' I nodded to myself, and opened the cap, shaking a few into my hand. Only three came out, and I had to force myself to get more.

I separated the pills into three piles. One contained the 2 for my normal dose. One had the 5 extra that I had planned on. The third contained 6 extra that had come out of the bottle.

__

Only seven…. It won't do much damage…

'You have a point. Seven won't do much damage. Maybe you should take the extra six. You'll be around people. Thirteen is sure to be—'

__

No! The thought was so harsh, I put the 6 pills back immediately, scared by my own harshness…

'Well? What are you waiting for?' I popped two into my mouth, and swallowed them. The other five sat in my hand as if they were made of glass. I was afraid to do anything more than let them stay there.

__

It's only 7, it's only 7… My thoughts were less than reassuring, and I was loosing my nerve very quickly.

'Just take the damn pills.' I brought my hand down to my waist, dropping the pills into my pocket.

__

There. I'll do it later.

'You know the rules at the office. No drugs of any kind, or you're kicked out.' I sighed, and put my head down, fingering the small round objects through the fabric of my jeans.

__

What the hell. In one quick motion, I brought the drug up to my mouth, and took them dry. Deciding that the feeling of 5 pills slowly traveling down my esophagus was uncomfortable, I took a quick gulp from my glass of ice water, and put the pills back in the shelf, just in time for Catherine to come down the steps.

"You ready Trowa?" I nodded and picked up my green bag, slinging it over my shoulder much like I had last time I saw Quatre…

__

'Quatre… Oh god, Quatre! What have I done!' I screamed at myself, telling myself how stupid I was, and how I must have lost my mind to even have thought about going through with this. I watched Catherine's back as I followed her out the door, and I told myself to tell her. But I couldn't. Once again, I couldn't do anything without a lot of fuss.

'My god! You have to tell her! She can get you help before anything can go wrong!'

__

But then she'll ask questions. She'll want to know why. I'll scare her so badly, I can't do that.

'Then what are you going to do?!? Die?!?!'

__

It was only 7. If I let it run its course, I'll be fine. If something goes wrong, there are people around me.

'My god…. My god… what do we do now?' My hand tightened on the strap of my bag slightly as I remembered that I had packed my writer's notebook for when I had gone to Quatre's house. I hadn't remembered to exchange it for my work papers this morning.

__

Field research….
    
    To be continued….

Author's notes: I just wanted to remind you guys that I've used Trowa to be me. So, if you were confused about those last few lines, he _is_ a writer. The field research was supposed to indicate that he was going to keep track of what happened, and use it to write, as I'm doing now. *grins* Is this warped enough for you? I hope I haven't scared you off, because I'm not going to stop until I finish writing out at least the next two days including this one


End file.
